I don’t have the words

You’d think that someone who wanted to write, to be a writer, would have access to lots of the words. And I suppose I do. I can phaff on with the best of them…like now, not really saying anything at all; just using words.

The harder times are when the feelings and thoughts are so overwhelming that the idea of turning that into a piece of writing seems impossible.

It’s been a while since I have written anything. Hmmm, that’s not true. It’s been a while since I have published anything. I just read back through quite a few drafts that I decided to trash. The words were too raw, too real, too personal. I know, isn’t that what makes for good reading? Writing that’s raw and real and personal. Yes and no. At least, that’s what I think today. Maybe time and perspective and a little more distance might make it more tolerable.

Things are hard, life is still bloody hard. An amazing European trip with my dad doesn’t stop life being life. I wondered the other day if it’s Europe I miss, especially Paris, or just being on holiday. The joy of those moments with my beautiful Dad. The comments people have made on his return; he looks 20 years younger. I think it’s helped him realise he’s still got a lot of living left to do.

But me….

There are days when I feel like I don’t belong….not in this city, not in this body, not in this life. I know that’s sound dreadfully fatalistic but there you are…there are days when that’s how I feel. And so, while I may want or need to write, I don’t always feel like those ideas are worth publishing. Not even, in my little blog.

So because I’ve noticed that people have been popping by my She is still brave page on fb, I thought I’d better write something. Something that says, I’m sorry I haven’t written. Im sorry I didn’t feel brave enough to publish the words I did write. Im sorry for so many things that I’d better stop counting or this could be another post that gets trashed before it’s published….I’m sorry I don’t have the words to express the feelings pulsing through my body. Even the word ‘pulsing’ seems wrong.

Pulsing, no, creeping, no, scratching, twisting, clambering, suffocating….

Golly, they’re some words!!!!

And yet, I sit, quite still, in this very moment, writing these actual words and for a small window there’s some peace. Peace that I have written, peace that I didn’t edit myself too much. Peace, that I, hopefully, haven’t exposed myself too much.

Some days are hard. Some weeks are hard. Some seasons are hard but not every single moment of those times is dreadful and when there’s a tiny glimmer of hope, sparkling through a shuttered window of fear, I feel brave enough to write. So here’s to that sparkling moment.

Here’s to noticing the light. Here’s to forgetting the pain for a little bit. Here’s to, if only for a moment, being brave!

Cheers

Author: sheisstillbrave

I’m Sarah, and just like you, I’ve had to be brave. So here we go. My stories, my journey, my laughter and my tears might all rate a mention. But most of all, if I look in the mirror, I want to remind her, She is still Brave!

4 thoughts on “I don’t have the words”

  1. I find self censorship so suffocating. You are brave Sarah. Every time you put your words out there you provide something for others to think about. That’s why I read your work. It makes me reflect.
    Just let the words out.
    I like reading them!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Rach
      It’s been a tough time lately but I think today helped. And your words help enormously.
      Thank you so much

      Like

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